Too much too soon

Today was 50 degrees out. Now it's raining. Just a few days ago it was 35 degrees out.... my life has been like the weather lately, constantly changing. Last night I went into the city expecting to go to a contra dance and ending up going to a show of a now ex friend's friend's band and staying in Trenton, NJ for the night. I love these nights when you go out expecting one thing and something completely different happens. It was really a great night, but the next day I find out that my "friend's" night was completely ruined by me. Here's the story of the night as it really happened in the best nutshell I can give....

I was on my way to the contra and my now ex friend tells me that she is going to the city to with her friends for their show. Ironically enough it was in the same area I was in so I decided to ditch the contra and go with them. The show was great, they did a Killers covers, we both took photos and after they loaded up their van we decided to go out to eat. Originally I was going to just go and meet up with the contra people at the diner, but then I thought I'd rather go with the band and friends. Then I thought maybe we could meet up with my contra friends which was a bit of a walk, but I asked if they minded walking. None of them opposed. I suggested a few places closer by but they were closed. We walked to about where the contra was and then I found out that none of the contra people were going anyway. So we had walked all that way and were even meeting up with those people, thats not my fault. I didn't know. I was on the lookout for anything close by too but sometimes it is harder than it seems to find a not too expensive restaurant in New York. Finally we found a place that everybody seemed happy with and we had a lovely little dinner all together. During dinner I made it clear that I had to leave with enough time to get on the subway to get my train home. But one of the guys in the band offered to drive me up to grand central, which at the time sounded quicker because there was a lot of construction going on in the subway and delays. Now to the misunderstanding of this ex friend whose name I shall not speak of, she thought I asked for a ride and thought I should've left for the subway when they started walking back to the van. What she clearly doesn't understand (because she doesn't understand New York and it's public transportation system, because she is too much of a diva to do that at night) is that the subway I would have been taking back uptown was in the direction of where they parked anyway, which is why I was offered a ride. I made a joke to the lead singer of the band that if I missed my train I could come party with them in Trenton. Totally not serious. But he said if I did that "I have a couch you can crash on it's fine". Now even if he didn't know I was joking, would somebody really suggest that if they were not comfortable with me staying? No. You would just blow it off and laugh. So we got in the van, tried to make it up to Grand Central but by 1:45 we were only around 32nd st and clearly I wasn't making it. So to Jersey it was. I ended up staying with him, I was as best of a guest that I could be. He was the best host he could be and even asked if I needed a toothbrush when we got back and dropped me off at the train near Trenton the next day. I never asked for anybody to do any of this. I asked "are you sure that's okay?" and said I could stay in Penn Station the night until the 5:30am train. If he really didn't want me, he would've just dropped me off there. I'm a big girl, unlike my ex friend and I can handle a night in the big bad city alone. I've done it before. I took the NJ transit and then metro north home the next day and was happy with my Saturday night. Nobody else seemed bothered one bit either. One of the other guys even texted me later in the day on Sunday asking if I got home safe. Now, according to my ex friend, this guy was getting annoyed with me the whole night. Now not to be that person who claims they are telling the "right" side of the story, but if he was so annoyed with me, why on earth would he A) save my phone number in his phone and B) go to the trouble to ask if I got home safe the next day? Just as the same with the others. It was also mentioned in her massive essay of a tumblr post talking about how I ruined her night because I was "chatting it up with her friends like we were old pals". Well what am I supposed to do, say two words to them all night and not speak with them because we just met? Is that not how you make new friends, by talking to them and sharing stories and laughing at jokes? Am I not allowed to do these things just because we met a few hours ago? According to her standards, I'm not. Apparently having an outgoing personality is annoying and she claims she "embarrassed by me and apologized" and to her friends for me. I'd be lying if I said it doesn't make me wonder if they really were annoyed by me. I even considered asking them after I read her essay about it. But at the same time, why would they exchange numbers with me, continue to talk to me after we parted ways and imply that they want to come play on my radio show and at my school next semester if they were really as annoyed by me as she claims they were? It just doesn't add up. I honestly think it was HER who was annoyed by me, not them.


You know it's funny because my best friend tonight was just telling me about how she no longer wants somebody who was once a friend in her life, and I realized how many people I've made that decision about in the past few years all for the better. And tonight I add another one. Honestly, it feels pretty good to end that friendship- I've been contemplating it for a while now but never found a specific reason to since we don't see each other all that often. I never felt this way about ending friendships in high school, but since college I've been making so many new friends that when it comes time that I just can't handle the things I don't like about certain people, dropping their friendship all together is a lot better than dealing with the shit about them that annoys me. Why spend time on somebody that annoys you more than they make you happy? There is no point! Out with the old and in with the new!



P.S. Food in New York City is going to be expensive no matter where you go. $3.50 a slice of pizza is average. I don't have much money either. Deal with it or GET THE FUCK OUT OF NEW YORK. You'll never make it in this city or this industry being the scared little girl you are. You're almost 23 and are afraid to take the subway alone. And I'M obnoxious?

These are the best days of my life

When I got to Fredonia I thought I was so cool living in a college dorm, with my meal plan, not having 6 hour classes 5 days a week like I did in high school. I remember a girl who was a junior at the time saying how glad she was she didn't live on campus and have to have a meal plan anymore. "Do you know how long the food sits out there in Cranston?" I remember her saying, but I thought it was the coolest thing in the world being there and that I'd never want to move off campus (little did I know I'd leave that school for good). Now I look back on freshman year and see how bland and boring it was, I don't even mean it because of where Fredonia is, but freshman year, being a first year in college. It was new and exciting having a college ID, saying "I'm a college student!", but now, two years later and two semesters later I'm a lot more accustomed to it and I walk around saying "I'm in college" still feeling young. I always feel little for some reason, but the reality of it is that I only have two years left. And I feel like I'm JUST beginning to get the real college experience. The parties, the walking around and meeting people, the campus involvement. Mostly the people I've met though. Just so many people. I know I said the same freshman year but none of that lasted. I mean not everybody I've met here is going to be a lasting friend, but I see them around a lot and hang out and talk. I've been meeting new people every weekend. I mean who would've ever thought on a Friday night in October I'd start out at a little party at the commuter lounge at 8pm and end sleeping with my downstairs neighbor at 4am, only to find out he's a total druggie and listen to him and some others snorting coke in their bathroom a month later? Or that a Saturday night in November beginning with a drag show event would end in meeting somebody outside my friend's apartment on the way home at 2:30am, smoking hookah with him at his apartment, and hooking up with him only to find out he has a girlfriend the next day? You know, at this point I don't care. I mean not saying I want to ruin relationships and become a coke head, but I'm going fucking live up these last two years of being a kid (which I still feel like even though I'm 20 and will graduate when I'm nearly 23). I'm not going to give a fuck about morals if somebody wants to cheat on their girlfriend with me, because that's not my issue. I'm not going to care what my neighbors think of me, I'm going to go and hang out with them and smoke their weed while I listen to them snort coke (not that I plan on trying coke). If somebody offers me acid though, I'd try that. I'm not going to stress about taking the maximum amount of credits, because I want to take my time here. I love it here, and if I stay on a steady pace I can still graduate in 8 semesters without stressing myself out. What hurry do I have to be in? These are the best days of my life.

These are the golden days

This school year is awesome. I can't believe the semester is nearly over. It's a scary thought and I don't want to think it. Because of my semester off and semester commuting, my last fall semester was freshman year so in some sense I relate things in time to that. But this year is a lot better. Next semester will be a lot better than that was. I think I am going to move into my friend's apartment across the street next semester because one of them is going to study abroad in the spring so they will have an extra spot in their apartment. They are so great. I love them all. We live on Awkward Street though. With Zoo Lander and a Beatle. I love this place and I never want to leave.

Yes, I'm definitely going to hell...

I still love Frank Turner just as much as I did last night, maybe even more because he added Jet Lag to the set list for me. I got back from Philadelphia at 3:30am and it was just spectacular. Bowery was better but seeing the last show on his U.S. tour was special. More tomorrow.

I WON'T SIT DOWN AND I WON'T SHUT UP

Oh my gosh I love Frank Turner. I crowd surfed during Photosynthesis twice. I was one of the first ones up and screaming the words while above the crowd with him smiling and looking right at me was magical. I love crowd surfing oh my gosh why am I always so afraid to do it? I remember the first time at Foxboro and how exhilarating it was. It's like a roller coaster except your pants are falling down and you're singing to your favorite band and sometimes you fall to the floor but it's okay as long as you get your hands down before your face because you just jump right back up. Baaah it's 3:30am and I have class at 10:30 but I just can't stop thinking about tomorrow cause I'm going to Philly for the last show in the U.S. He better really be coming back early next year!  I just want to crowd surf to Photosynthesis all night, every night. Is that so much to ask?

And yes, I am on more of a concert high after seeing Frank than I was after Green Day last night.

I JUST REALLY LOVE FRANK TURNER, OKAY?

Forgetting you, but not the time

I still remember it all so well. I brought a sign for Whatsername and wanted to hold it up during the requests but never found the right time. After one song during the encore I found a perfect time. At first I wasn't sure if he saw it, but then he started fiddling around with his guitar and the girl next to me said "I think you won. He's tuning it to the key Whatsername is in". I don't remember him ever even looking at me, but he saw. Just like all those other times. That song means everything to me. I don't think I was as emotional as I was when I got them to play Redundant at soundcheck the year before, but this is the song that I would cry to when I was alone all throughout high school. The song that I have to listen to on full volume and can't listen to without pressing repeat at least once afterwards. It's a perfect ending and a new beginning.

I made a point to burn all of the photographs

She went away and then I took a different path

I remember the face but I can't recall the name

Now I wonder how Whatsername has been

It's about that time

Yeah it's about that time
That you contact me to make rhyme
And reason of what you did
Now that it's been a year

I am open to listen and try to appreciate new music, but I judge quickly. I generally like the same genres and sounds and if I am going to like it I know right away within seconds. I like a smooth piano, guitar, with a mature sounding voice and not two minutes of instrumentals to introduce a song with three verses. I often listen to bands I don't know based on their name. That's how I found The Rocket Summer actually. But I also try different singers out too. Well yesterday I was going through music on Joanna's computer and I found something that I loved from the first note of the first song I heard. His name is Greg Laswell. I'm not too good at describing what specific singers sound like, but I'd say his sound reminds me a bit of Stars. It's so refreshing to find a singer or band that you instantly love and listening through their whole catalogue. That's how it was for some of my favorite bands (although I use the term 'some' for a reason- for The Killers and Green Day it did not at all go that way). 

This banter was actually originally going to go in a completely different direction. I was going to relate my life to the lyrics and go on about how I can't believe it's been two years since my freshman year and that whole time. But I don't need to talk/think about that. I'd rather talk about how I love finding new music that I adore. That's why I started a radio show and even if Ashley and occasionally some other friends are the only ones listening, it forces me to find new music each week. I may not be a musician myself, but I have such a great passion for them. When I'm seeing my favorite bands live, or even a band that is just really, really, really good I find myself with this huge smile and warm feeling in my heart. Even watching Frank Turner perform on Jimmy Kimmel on TV makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside. I just want to do this forever.