Realizations of tonight in bullet formation

•Running is actually additive
•Eating healthy is possible
...minus that one meal of stuffing myself with wings at d-hall
•Getting somebody to swipe me in for free is possible (but Wacky Wings Wednesdays ONLY)
•I CAN set goals for myself and achieve them.
•I CAN accept no for an answer.
•I CAN push myself to do what I want to do...and more.
•I can make around my portion of the Loop when it's 40 degrees and windy...
and just for a moment imagine that the sound of the Blind Brook is the sound of the the Gulf of Mexico and the softness of my boots are the soft sand and that the street lights are actually the light of the moon reflecting off the ocean and the lights of the Alumni apartments in the distance are the lights of Sanibel Arms apartments.

Oh yeah and....

•Parties do happen on a Wednesday night on G Street at Purchase
•Squeezed orange in seltzer would be great
•I can compile enough old blogs and diary entries to put together a memoir of my life
•I am not too young to achieve my childhood dreams (I feel like I should be older before I can do such a thing)
•There is no reason that I cannot start something that will be handed down to other people
•Within just a few hours being high can go from being giggly and happy, to having a conversation with my mom that puts me in a bad mood, to literally having the feeling like my head is going to unscrew/strange pangs in my head/wanting to just fall asleep, to having absolutely brilliant and innovative ideas and thoughts, to coming down from it but still having these extremely reflective thoughts

DON'T YOU DARE TELL ME TO COME OVER ONLY FOR ME TO GET THERE FIVE MINUTES LATER TO YOU COMPLETELY PASSED OUT WITH A BOTTLE OF WINE ON THE TABLE.... I SHOULD HAVE TAKEN IT LIKE YOU SAID NOT TO.

DONE

DONE

DONE.

Why you say wait

Today I was in a generally good mood. But then one event that annoys me totally turns my mood around. I get out of class at noon on Tuesdays and Fridays so I usually don't have much to do, so I figured I'd go to the mall and look for some cheap gifts for friends for the holidays. I wanted to go with somebody else just because I've been spending a lot of time alone since I got back to school. I texted several people asking and of course the only one who answers is the person who I've been referencing to in my last posts. I asked if he'd be ready in a half hour around 2 and he said yes. No response from him until 3:30 when he said he made an appointment to Apple for 5:10. I said I wanted to go soon though and said to come over... half hour later he still isn't here or answering his phone. So I left and another half hour later he says he didn't see my text (or get my two calls? yeah, okay). I got a few gifts and came back to my roommate finishing up making homemade chili, so I tried a little bit and it was delicious. But a half hour later I hear my stomach yelling at me for it. I don't understand why A) People can't just come when they say they will or at least tell you they'll be late when you make definite plans for a specific time B) WHY MY STOMACH WON'T LET ME EAT ANYTHING ANYMORE. I suppose it is a good thing because it forces me to eat healthy, but even slightly bad food is making me sick. Oh and did I mention that I tried on a pair of size 7 jeans and they didn't fit me? Eating healthy better actually help me lose weight.... Ugh. /rant

You can get anything you want

As I drive down 684 frustrated with my lack of music due to a dead phone and two broken ipods I find myself resorting to the radio. So I put my radio scan on to find anything decent to listen to for the next 40 minutes. After a few minutes, about to give up and drive in silence, I hear a guitar and some catchy folk music playing on the channel 90.7. What is this I wonder? Because it sounds great. A live performance. I even like this music enough to look it up later. Finally they announce that it's WFUV, Fordham University's public radio. I get home and continue to listen on the radio inside and look more into the radio. I don't really understand if this has any students on air, because clearly these shows are older, well known people hosting the shows. But the fact that they get 350,000 listeners per week in the tri-state area, and the signal reaches as far as Northern Westchester is pretty impressive. And this is a non-commercial radio station too. Once again here comes that word '501C3 non-profit organization'. And links to more of them from their site. I hear them mention something called "Outpost in the Burbs" and ask listeners to please find out more, so I do. And what are they? "A nonprofit outreach organization dedicated to building community through music, community service, and cultural programs"...based in Northern Jersey. All volunteer run, they started as a coffeehouse and put on shows and events with folk singers and other artists. This is the type of thing that I want to spend my life being apart of, but the problem is this is all the way in Montclair, New Jersey. I mean technically that isnt too far, maybe 25 miles....plus a $12 toll across the Hudson River, gas money, and traffic. I just don't understand why New York City, Long Island, and New Jersey are so culturally rich with these organizations but Westchester, no. What do we have? Yeah, we have the Westchester County Center, Neuberger Art Museum right at Purchase... but where are our local arts organizations building a community through music. I just don't understand. Westchester supports all this fancy smancy art and concerts, but nothing local. Honestly, I think about this every single day. What do I want to do in life? How do I do it? I take classes on this. I mean I have a textbook and a class teaching me to write grants, and create special events....maybe I should start paying attention. Because that, is what I want to do. Start a community here in Westchester. For young musicians and artists, a place where they can be themselves, have people support them, feel like they belong. This is all I want. I will do it. As much as I want to move to San Francisco, to Toronto, or to Manhattan.... Westchester County is my home and I've got pride for this place.

I'm on top of the world

I love The Killers so much. Watching their live DVD makes me want to sing my voice off and dance and cry and smile all day. While I watch them I think that nobody can compare...but wait! Then I put on The Rocket Summer and get excited to see Bryce for the 16th freakin' time in 23 days play his entire first two albums and I want to cry of joy. And even though Billie Joe is a pizza face, I really do love Green Day. They were my first favorite band. I've seen them uhh.. 14 times now? I can't keep track but they mean the world to me. And Frank Turner...well I've already written several blogs in the past two months of how much I love him. How did I get so lucky to find not one, not two, or three but FOUR bands that make me feel this way? I'm a lucky girl <3

There's a beautiful ending but you're never gonna read the book

Disregard some of that last blog.

I finally believe in sexual relations with friends without an emotional connection.
Certain things can get frustrating, but honestly so much better than a relationship at this point.
Nobody said this has to be perfect.

Welcome to Thanksgiving break

First break since Labor Day. Not that I haven't taken my own personal breaks. Well actually, I've only missed each of my three classes once each (it's a record!). I have been home once in the past two weeks and I don't think I've slept in my bed at home in three or four weeks. My hamster hasn't been out of his cage in a week or two either and he is running in a circle in his ball. My air conditioner is still in and I feel the November air coming through the window. It feels like just two months ago I had my cousin put IN that air conditioner. I can't believe winter break is in three weeks. What the fuck? After another frustrating night last night with a certain stupid boy, I realized I need to just stop trying. I need to stop being so desperate. Clearly he is an ass and doesn't give a shit. I mean really all I want is somebody to sleep with, I don't want a relationship. But at the same time I shouldn't do that with somebody as shitty as him. He just cares about himself and is bad news bears. No more of him when I get back from break. Now I'm going to make some dumplings and lay in my wonderful big cloud of a bed.

Fuuuadksjhfalkjfhasd

I understand that guys people are dicks. I get that it is your horrible nature beg me to stay the night and then the next week make me walk home in the rain at 4am. To say rude things to me or tell me to stop talking and when I tell you to shut up you go all alpha male and accuse ME of being rude for telling you to stop being rude. But I don't understand how you can be all touchy feely with me one night and refuse to touch me the next day. Or to refuse to lay, or even sit on the bed with me while we're watching a movie and to go so far as to sit in your chair all night while I'm in your bed. Or to throw me another pillow when I try to put my head on yours (note: not even close to yours). Or to move forward when I put a tiny section of my hand touching your back or arm or any part of your body. I know you have a girlfriend, and it's not like I'm looking to be yours, I just wanna fuck and maybe cuddle a little but really I just want to fuck.
I get it, you are  have a dick, so just fucking use it! 


You already cheated on her and you clearly don't feel bad because you won't even admit to me you have a girlfriend, so why won't you just do it? The only thing you've implied that you might possibly be interested in me since the night we hooked up was when I joked "I'm a whore for cheese...I'd have sex for cheese" and you replied "I'll keep that in mind". YEAH, THAT IS RIGHT YOU HAD BETTER.

Too much too soon

Today was 50 degrees out. Now it's raining. Just a few days ago it was 35 degrees out.... my life has been like the weather lately, constantly changing. Last night I went into the city expecting to go to a contra dance and ending up going to a show of a now ex friend's friend's band and staying in Trenton, NJ for the night. I love these nights when you go out expecting one thing and something completely different happens. It was really a great night, but the next day I find out that my "friend's" night was completely ruined by me. Here's the story of the night as it really happened in the best nutshell I can give....

I was on my way to the contra and my now ex friend tells me that she is going to the city to with her friends for their show. Ironically enough it was in the same area I was in so I decided to ditch the contra and go with them. The show was great, they did a Killers covers, we both took photos and after they loaded up their van we decided to go out to eat. Originally I was going to just go and meet up with the contra people at the diner, but then I thought I'd rather go with the band and friends. Then I thought maybe we could meet up with my contra friends which was a bit of a walk, but I asked if they minded walking. None of them opposed. I suggested a few places closer by but they were closed. We walked to about where the contra was and then I found out that none of the contra people were going anyway. So we had walked all that way and were even meeting up with those people, thats not my fault. I didn't know. I was on the lookout for anything close by too but sometimes it is harder than it seems to find a not too expensive restaurant in New York. Finally we found a place that everybody seemed happy with and we had a lovely little dinner all together. During dinner I made it clear that I had to leave with enough time to get on the subway to get my train home. But one of the guys in the band offered to drive me up to grand central, which at the time sounded quicker because there was a lot of construction going on in the subway and delays. Now to the misunderstanding of this ex friend whose name I shall not speak of, she thought I asked for a ride and thought I should've left for the subway when they started walking back to the van. What she clearly doesn't understand (because she doesn't understand New York and it's public transportation system, because she is too much of a diva to do that at night) is that the subway I would have been taking back uptown was in the direction of where they parked anyway, which is why I was offered a ride. I made a joke to the lead singer of the band that if I missed my train I could come party with them in Trenton. Totally not serious. But he said if I did that "I have a couch you can crash on it's fine". Now even if he didn't know I was joking, would somebody really suggest that if they were not comfortable with me staying? No. You would just blow it off and laugh. So we got in the van, tried to make it up to Grand Central but by 1:45 we were only around 32nd st and clearly I wasn't making it. So to Jersey it was. I ended up staying with him, I was as best of a guest that I could be. He was the best host he could be and even asked if I needed a toothbrush when we got back and dropped me off at the train near Trenton the next day. I never asked for anybody to do any of this. I asked "are you sure that's okay?" and said I could stay in Penn Station the night until the 5:30am train. If he really didn't want me, he would've just dropped me off there. I'm a big girl, unlike my ex friend and I can handle a night in the big bad city alone. I've done it before. I took the NJ transit and then metro north home the next day and was happy with my Saturday night. Nobody else seemed bothered one bit either. One of the other guys even texted me later in the day on Sunday asking if I got home safe. Now, according to my ex friend, this guy was getting annoyed with me the whole night. Now not to be that person who claims they are telling the "right" side of the story, but if he was so annoyed with me, why on earth would he A) save my phone number in his phone and B) go to the trouble to ask if I got home safe the next day? Just as the same with the others. It was also mentioned in her massive essay of a tumblr post talking about how I ruined her night because I was "chatting it up with her friends like we were old pals". Well what am I supposed to do, say two words to them all night and not speak with them because we just met? Is that not how you make new friends, by talking to them and sharing stories and laughing at jokes? Am I not allowed to do these things just because we met a few hours ago? According to her standards, I'm not. Apparently having an outgoing personality is annoying and she claims she "embarrassed by me and apologized" and to her friends for me. I'd be lying if I said it doesn't make me wonder if they really were annoyed by me. I even considered asking them after I read her essay about it. But at the same time, why would they exchange numbers with me, continue to talk to me after we parted ways and imply that they want to come play on my radio show and at my school next semester if they were really as annoyed by me as she claims they were? It just doesn't add up. I honestly think it was HER who was annoyed by me, not them.


You know it's funny because my best friend tonight was just telling me about how she no longer wants somebody who was once a friend in her life, and I realized how many people I've made that decision about in the past few years all for the better. And tonight I add another one. Honestly, it feels pretty good to end that friendship- I've been contemplating it for a while now but never found a specific reason to since we don't see each other all that often. I never felt this way about ending friendships in high school, but since college I've been making so many new friends that when it comes time that I just can't handle the things I don't like about certain people, dropping their friendship all together is a lot better than dealing with the shit about them that annoys me. Why spend time on somebody that annoys you more than they make you happy? There is no point! Out with the old and in with the new!



P.S. Food in New York City is going to be expensive no matter where you go. $3.50 a slice of pizza is average. I don't have much money either. Deal with it or GET THE FUCK OUT OF NEW YORK. You'll never make it in this city or this industry being the scared little girl you are. You're almost 23 and are afraid to take the subway alone. And I'M obnoxious?

These are the best days of my life

When I got to Fredonia I thought I was so cool living in a college dorm, with my meal plan, not having 6 hour classes 5 days a week like I did in high school. I remember a girl who was a junior at the time saying how glad she was she didn't live on campus and have to have a meal plan anymore. "Do you know how long the food sits out there in Cranston?" I remember her saying, but I thought it was the coolest thing in the world being there and that I'd never want to move off campus (little did I know I'd leave that school for good). Now I look back on freshman year and see how bland and boring it was, I don't even mean it because of where Fredonia is, but freshman year, being a first year in college. It was new and exciting having a college ID, saying "I'm a college student!", but now, two years later and two semesters later I'm a lot more accustomed to it and I walk around saying "I'm in college" still feeling young. I always feel little for some reason, but the reality of it is that I only have two years left. And I feel like I'm JUST beginning to get the real college experience. The parties, the walking around and meeting people, the campus involvement. Mostly the people I've met though. Just so many people. I know I said the same freshman year but none of that lasted. I mean not everybody I've met here is going to be a lasting friend, but I see them around a lot and hang out and talk. I've been meeting new people every weekend. I mean who would've ever thought on a Friday night in October I'd start out at a little party at the commuter lounge at 8pm and end sleeping with my downstairs neighbor at 4am, only to find out he's a total druggie and listen to him and some others snorting coke in their bathroom a month later? Or that a Saturday night in November beginning with a drag show event would end in meeting somebody outside my friend's apartment on the way home at 2:30am, smoking hookah with him at his apartment, and hooking up with him only to find out he has a girlfriend the next day? You know, at this point I don't care. I mean not saying I want to ruin relationships and become a coke head, but I'm going fucking live up these last two years of being a kid (which I still feel like even though I'm 20 and will graduate when I'm nearly 23). I'm not going to give a fuck about morals if somebody wants to cheat on their girlfriend with me, because that's not my issue. I'm not going to care what my neighbors think of me, I'm going to go and hang out with them and smoke their weed while I listen to them snort coke (not that I plan on trying coke). If somebody offers me acid though, I'd try that. I'm not going to stress about taking the maximum amount of credits, because I want to take my time here. I love it here, and if I stay on a steady pace I can still graduate in 8 semesters without stressing myself out. What hurry do I have to be in? These are the best days of my life.

These are the golden days

This school year is awesome. I can't believe the semester is nearly over. It's a scary thought and I don't want to think it. Because of my semester off and semester commuting, my last fall semester was freshman year so in some sense I relate things in time to that. But this year is a lot better. Next semester will be a lot better than that was. I think I am going to move into my friend's apartment across the street next semester because one of them is going to study abroad in the spring so they will have an extra spot in their apartment. They are so great. I love them all. We live on Awkward Street though. With Zoo Lander and a Beatle. I love this place and I never want to leave.

Yes, I'm definitely going to hell...

I still love Frank Turner just as much as I did last night, maybe even more because he added Jet Lag to the set list for me. I got back from Philadelphia at 3:30am and it was just spectacular. Bowery was better but seeing the last show on his U.S. tour was special. More tomorrow.

I WON'T SIT DOWN AND I WON'T SHUT UP

Oh my gosh I love Frank Turner. I crowd surfed during Photosynthesis twice. I was one of the first ones up and screaming the words while above the crowd with him smiling and looking right at me was magical. I love crowd surfing oh my gosh why am I always so afraid to do it? I remember the first time at Foxboro and how exhilarating it was. It's like a roller coaster except your pants are falling down and you're singing to your favorite band and sometimes you fall to the floor but it's okay as long as you get your hands down before your face because you just jump right back up. Baaah it's 3:30am and I have class at 10:30 but I just can't stop thinking about tomorrow cause I'm going to Philly for the last show in the U.S. He better really be coming back early next year!  I just want to crowd surf to Photosynthesis all night, every night. Is that so much to ask?

And yes, I am on more of a concert high after seeing Frank than I was after Green Day last night.

I JUST REALLY LOVE FRANK TURNER, OKAY?

Forgetting you, but not the time

I still remember it all so well. I brought a sign for Whatsername and wanted to hold it up during the requests but never found the right time. After one song during the encore I found a perfect time. At first I wasn't sure if he saw it, but then he started fiddling around with his guitar and the girl next to me said "I think you won. He's tuning it to the key Whatsername is in". I don't remember him ever even looking at me, but he saw. Just like all those other times. That song means everything to me. I don't think I was as emotional as I was when I got them to play Redundant at soundcheck the year before, but this is the song that I would cry to when I was alone all throughout high school. The song that I have to listen to on full volume and can't listen to without pressing repeat at least once afterwards. It's a perfect ending and a new beginning.

I made a point to burn all of the photographs

She went away and then I took a different path

I remember the face but I can't recall the name

Now I wonder how Whatsername has been

It's about that time

Yeah it's about that time
That you contact me to make rhyme
And reason of what you did
Now that it's been a year

I am open to listen and try to appreciate new music, but I judge quickly. I generally like the same genres and sounds and if I am going to like it I know right away within seconds. I like a smooth piano, guitar, with a mature sounding voice and not two minutes of instrumentals to introduce a song with three verses. I often listen to bands I don't know based on their name. That's how I found The Rocket Summer actually. But I also try different singers out too. Well yesterday I was going through music on Joanna's computer and I found something that I loved from the first note of the first song I heard. His name is Greg Laswell. I'm not too good at describing what specific singers sound like, but I'd say his sound reminds me a bit of Stars. It's so refreshing to find a singer or band that you instantly love and listening through their whole catalogue. That's how it was for some of my favorite bands (although I use the term 'some' for a reason- for The Killers and Green Day it did not at all go that way). 

This banter was actually originally going to go in a completely different direction. I was going to relate my life to the lyrics and go on about how I can't believe it's been two years since my freshman year and that whole time. But I don't need to talk/think about that. I'd rather talk about how I love finding new music that I adore. That's why I started a radio show and even if Ashley and occasionally some other friends are the only ones listening, it forces me to find new music each week. I may not be a musician myself, but I have such a great passion for them. When I'm seeing my favorite bands live, or even a band that is just really, really, really good I find myself with this huge smile and warm feeling in my heart. Even watching Frank Turner perform on Jimmy Kimmel on TV makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside. I just want to do this forever.